I return to blogging.

Hello, non-existent blog readers! It is the 16th day of BEDA, and my ninth apparently, which was better than I thought I was doing until I realized that means I have missed an entire week. Whoops. Perhaps tomorrow I will churn out tens of blog post brimming with wittiness and items of real interest. In case you hadn't noticed, this is not really a possibility--it is a hope.

Since last I blogged, I have been to both Oregon and Minnesota, each for the first time.
Some things I noticed about Oregon:
-It is really green.
-The flora is different. More pines. The view from the Portland airport looks a bit like Maine.
-Noticeably more ecologically oriented/concerned.
-Noticeably more endowed with facial hair.
-Larger Hispanic population.

Minnesota:
-It snowed in April. WTF Minnesota?
(I say this, but it was actually beautiful, and since here it hasn't snowed in two months, I didn't really mind.)
-It's very brown. It's like it's either in sepia, or a few weeks in the past.
-Someone said pop at the airport!
-People do seem to be friendly, and less pretentious. Like they're just hanging out, being themselves, less self-conscious, which is nice.

I still don't know where to go to college. Oh, indecision, you are so integral to my life yet so frustrating. And now I have even more schoolwork than before. Huzzah! But I did have a good time, actually. Particularly, I have to admit, in Minnesota. I might as well be honest in this blog that no one reads.

I didn't get very much farther in Anna Karenina, though I remain interested, and I do still quite like it. I also still quite dislike Vronsky, and wish he would leave Anna alone, though I don't understand what Anna sees in him. It's a pity her eyes are so radiant because otherwise she might actually be able to discourage him. I knew the plot would be about an adulterous woman, but I like Anna so much that I don't want her to do it. Or at least with someone better than Vronsky. I don't know why I don't like him, except that he's trying to get her to make a bad decision, and it's all super hypocritical/chauvinistic. Oh right, it's because he's a bit of an asshole/bastard/bro who doesn't care about others' feelings.

Things Fall Apart

So, there are ten minutes left of today, and I haven't blogged in two days. Oops. I wasn't even particularly busy. I procrastinated on all my work, as always. (And I want to go to an intellectual college. Really? Who do I think I am!)

Anyway, that was stupid. I watched Ferris Bueller's Day Off yesterday. I thought he was utterly charming, and a bit like my physical therapist. (who is also utterly charming, or at least he was five months ago.) And very relevant to today's youth. By which I mean that he only has a few months left of high school. I thought it might sway me towards Chicago, and it did make me want to go to the Art Institute, but not in other ways particularly.

I should go back to my french paper. Sorry I am such a failure, self.

And I return to tiredness.

I was tired, and inexplicably angry/annoyed at moments today. I think the whole, I'm trying to go to school but also make what is arguably (though I don't think I agree) the most important decision of my life thing is getting to me. I'm stressed so much, and as Ms. Plunkett pointed out yesterday, a lot of it is self-perpetuating. I don't understand why I can't just calm down.

I talked to Mr. Kennedy a lot today. He seems to think it's the most important decision of my life. sigh. Maybe I can talk to him about it more tomorrow. It's gone back to being that weird thing where I see him and just get really happy. I don't understand anything about my emotions right now.

Also, my best friends are awesome. They understand me and are really nice, and there was just a period of time on Skype in which Meagan and I just made fun of Stephanie's eyes (this sounds weird, but it's what we do) and it was just really funny, and even though we all seemed tired and like we didn't always want to talk, it was good all-around. But Stephanie decided on college, so I'm the one left who can't decide. No one's advice seems that useful. I feel like it all depends a lot on the visits next week. Yay! Stress!

It's later than I want it to be. I really do need to go to bed ASAP. Sorry as always blog.

Ramblings about my day. My life is fascinant.

So, um, I completely forgot to blog yesterday! Whoops. Like, not even, I remembered early in the evening and then forgot later, nope. I didn't remember at all.

But perhaps this is good. (Look at me, trying to justify my forgetfulness.) Yesterday I was really tired, like I got very little sleep Monday night, and woke up a lot (I had a dream in which I was in the Holocaust, it was very unsettling, though not actually horrific), and consequently I was very moody and annoyed for most of the day. Also, I hate readjusting to school always.

Today was much better. I worked on the Schumann with Anna during chamber music. She's so nice and helpful. For the first time, we had a quality discussion in my Holocaust lit. class, and Mr. V. remains completely awesome. It's weird not to be completely stellar for once though--I don't know how to deal with it haha. (Good practice for college, of course, but kind of unsettling--ugh, second time I've used that word in one blog post, sigh.) And I had a good talk with Ms. Plunkett at lab. She's so awesome. Oh, and at chamber music, Mr. Bradley says he definitely wants to talk to me about Joyce! I'm so excited! And we had an interesting conversation about pain in Botany. There are so many incredible teachers at my school, and I've gotten to have their classes. That's so cool. We listened to a quartet by Messiaen in music theory--so interesting, never listened to anything by him before, haven't quite made up my mind, but I think I approve.

But the lacrosse game was depressing. I realized I have virtually no stamina, can't run quickly, and don't know how to play the game. (perhaps that's a little overly dramatic.) And my ankle hurts. My life is hard.

I feel bad about forgetting to blog yesterday--I was doing so well. Perhaps some other day I will blog twice? Probably not. I won't be able to blog on college visits. But I like this. Maybe I'll continue after April.

Prom is already being talked about a lot. Stuff that I didn't even think about, sigh. I hope it is worth the fuss. (but it probably isn't, I know.)

So yeah, life seems better than it did yesterday. I don't have very much homework left. I should be able to go to bed soon. A demain, blog, I hope.

I have nothing to say, as per usual.

I feel like tonight's post should be longer to make up for that brief horror yesterday, but I also just want to take a shower and go to bed. School starts again tomorrow. 18 days and counting. But I believe I'm arranging to spend at least four college visiting so that's really 14 and counting. Good grief.

I am a terrible blogger. I have no idea what to say so I either ramble about college, which I can't stop from filling my mind almost incessantly, or what I did during the day. But, of course, I don't do anything interesting. For example, today I read some more, and went to play tennis with my dad. And agonized over the details of visiting schools. Ugh, I know my life isn't hard--for example, I do not get my water from a mud puddle, and in fact am going to go take an extravagant clean shower soon, but sometimes it feels difficult. I suppose everyone has hardships, just in proportion to their state of living (I hope that isn't offensive or fatuous, because it is something I think, I think).

I'm hoping going to school will take my mind off college. Also, I don't adore any of my classes quite enough to really miss them, so hopefully that will reconcile me to missing a week.

Alright, I'm not really coming up with anything to say, and there is lots I need to go do. Sorry, non-existent blog readers.

Eep, blogging!

It's 11:35 PM and I haven't blogged! I'm supposed to be going to bed early! (oops, guess that's not really happening).

I had a pretty relaxing day, and it started at 1 PM, and I read in bed until 4PM. That's right, I didn't get out of bed until 4. Oh, Spring Break.

But I did go the gym! So yay, exercise! And practiced the cello for 55 minutes, including my orchestra music, so that was a good accomplishment.

I don't have much else to say, and since no one avidly reads this, I don't feel as if I'm letting anyone down by making this short. So I think I'll end it here.

In case anyone ever reads this, I highly recommend the poem "An Ancient Gesture" by Edna St. Vincent Millay.

I go outside and do something.

Today I actually went to something for the first time since Monday. I've fallen into a funk. Of course, going to a reading of the Ajax followed by a discussion of the effects of war on modern society didn't exactly cheer me up or take me out of myself, but it did remind me to stop being such a ninny. There's nothing like listening to people talk about their experiences in Iraq and Afghanistan to make you feel horribly guilty about your tearful reactions to having to visit four different prestigious colleges. Oh no--how awful! I still am tearful about it though. I think the fact that I got my period and college news at exactly the same time pretty much disproves the existence of God.

This is a really good idea! I can share my thoughts much faster than on paper, though I do enjoy writing in my journal. I'm not sure how to balance the two though. But I am writing more. Though it's also only April 2nd, and I've already fallen into the habit of writing my blog post right before bed.

Today I read a lot--Marlow books. I hadn't read one in awhile. I forgot how well-written and amusing they are, and of course Nicola is so likable. I identify much more with Lawrie than ever before, which is a bit peculiar since I'm now four years older than she is in the books I've been reading, and she's immature even then. And I don't cry nearly as much as her, except in the past few days, and never have. It's also a good reminder that just because I am  a teenager, I don't need to be rude to my mother. Ugh, sometimes I hate myself, and my ability to be stupidly boorish and insensitive. Why is it so easy sometimes?

My thoughts are a little scattered tonight; I really just want to go read some more, and then go to bed early. So I think I will stop trying to think of things to say, and just go do that. :)

I wonder about things.

April Fools was not such a good day. And I'm not saying this ironically. A year ago, today, I visited Brown and then drove up to Maine and had dinner with Roger and Melissa. I had yet to shatter my ankle or apply to college. A much more carefree time. The fact that I got rejected from Brown did not make this day particularly awesome. Just in general, me wrestling with college continues to go horribly. My Dad says I am tired, and should just try and get even more sleep than I got the past two nights. Gathering from my propensity to tears today, I think he may be right. However, he also told me today that I should really improve my Dutch since it isn't very good, so who knows how valuable his judgment is. There were some good parts to this day though. I read some Borges, which is excellent and labyrinthine as always. And began to reread End of Term, and ate my way through about half of my jar of Jordan Almonds. And shot down Dad's suggestion that I go to the gym, and never went outside. Woot, productivity and exercise!

But really the day wasn't so bad. Meh. I'm indecisive, which makes right now particularly awful.

It's just strange to think about how everything involved in the college process is tedious and annoying. Like, why are we all doing this? So much of what I have done in the past year, I have done because some one told me to do it, and now I am confused about what I want, and whether I have set myself on the track to getting it or not. At the same time, I know that I can't make a bad decision, it's just about picking what I think would be best for me, which is reassuring. I think it will be good to visit, and once I am done, I'll be happy that I did. It's just an overwhelming prospect right now.

There's so much I could do to be productive in my room, which would make me happier, and instead I just sit there, and then it's a vicious circle. Sometimes I wonder why anyone thinks I am good at being a person, or a good person. Though at the same time I am usually convinced deep down of my own wonderfulness.