April Fools was not such a good day. And I'm not saying this ironically. A year ago, today, I visited Brown and then drove up to Maine and had dinner with Roger and Melissa. I had yet to shatter my ankle or apply to college. A much more carefree time. The fact that I got rejected from Brown did not make this day particularly awesome. Just in general, me wrestling with college continues to go horribly. My Dad says I am tired, and should just try and get even more sleep than I got the past two nights. Gathering from my propensity to tears today, I think he may be right. However, he also told me today that I should really improve my Dutch since it isn't very good, so who knows how valuable his judgment is. There were some good parts to this day though. I read some Borges, which is excellent and labyrinthine as always. And began to reread End of Term, and ate my way through about half of my jar of Jordan Almonds. And shot down Dad's suggestion that I go to the gym, and never went outside. Woot, productivity and exercise!
But really the day wasn't so bad. Meh. I'm indecisive, which makes right now particularly awful.
It's just strange to think about how everything involved in the college process is tedious and annoying. Like, why are we all doing this? So much of what I have done in the past year, I have done because some one told me to do it, and now I am confused about what I want, and whether I have set myself on the track to getting it or not. At the same time, I know that I can't make a bad decision, it's just about picking what I think would be best for me, which is reassuring. I think it will be good to visit, and once I am done, I'll be happy that I did. It's just an overwhelming prospect right now.
There's so much I could do to be productive in my room, which would make me happier, and instead I just sit there, and then it's a vicious circle. Sometimes I wonder why anyone thinks I am good at being a person, or a good person. Though at the same time I am usually convinced deep down of my own wonderfulness.
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